Jjang!
by Rayestar Ikina
Summary: TVXQ and Big Bang on an adventure together. Nothing short of water and oil. Strange things ensue, not to be taken seriously. Some shounen-ai. Other Kpop cameos. Started out of boredom, sporadic ongoing chapters. Co-written with Jak102.
1. Chapter 1

So…three Big Bang members walk into a restaurant for lunch. It turns out that Seungri is the head chef and Daesung is the waiter. They look at the menu and this is what they see:

Egg and Tuna

Egg Salad

Tuna Salad

Egg and Tuna Salad

Scrambled Egg

Scrambled Tuna

Egg and Tuna Special with Egg and Tuna

Egg and Tuna with Ketchup

Egg Casserole

Tuna Casserole

Egg Custard Pie with Tuna

Daesung comes to take their order and G-Dragon just asks for water. "Tae Yang," he adds, "we are going to finally get you a hot girl tonight!" Cue Jaejoong's entrance. "How about that hot chick?"

Tae Yang saunters over to Jaejoong. "Hey there, pretty lady, how would you like to hear a lovely ballad from yours truly?"

"I've got yoooooouuu…under my skin!" comes from outside. Jaejoong smiles. The famous U-know Yunho walks in and serenades the pretty lady away. "Hey, hands off my guy." Yunho glares.

TOP comes over to the crowd. "That's a guy. I'm more a guy than he is. I'm manlier than all of you." He begins to strike hip-hop poses.

Jaejoong retorts, "Well, I'm manlier than all of you down there." Anyway, Jaejoong sits down to dinner (with Yunho). "Wtf is this! Egg and tuna down the list! Nothing else? Egg and tuna don't go together, period! Get me the head chef! I'm gonna kill him!"

Daesung drops by and starts setting up the table with Doraemon chopsticks and plates. Oddly enough, he is also wearing a Doraemon suit. He explains, "I'm sorry, the head chef is having some complications in the kitchen right now. Apparently we got halibut and salmon tonight."

Jaejoong visibly relaxes. "Better than egg and tuna, at any rate. What kind of restaurant is this, anyway?" Yunho pales.

"Eh… Heechul suggested it?"

"And you trusted him!"

"Yeah, he really wanted us to come to this restaurant for some reason…"

Yoochun, as the ugly one of DBSK, walks in unnoticed. He sees Tae Yang sulking in the corner. "What happened to you?"

"All my life, I have yet to date a girl, and tonight, I just tried to pick up a dude. I'm supposed to be the romantic one of Big Bang."

"Oh, yeah? I'm the romantic one of DBSK, but—but I'm the ugly one!"

"Wait, you're from DBSK? … … OH! I didn't recognize you!" Yoochun looks on the verge of tears. Tae Yang coughs. "Sorry? Uh, uh, let's trade some tips! Yeah, yeah! I have to get a date!"

Yoochun starts crying. "But you know, every time I get a girl, Junsu gets really angry for some reason."

As Yoochun and Tae Yang start trading tips, Changmin walks out of the kitchen in the Doraemon waiter outfit. "How may I—what the hell are you doing here?"

"What the hell are you doing here?" shout both Jaejoong and Yunho. "Why the hell are you wearing that?"

Changmin looks away. "I wanted to get away from you guys any way that I could. But no, you guys are still ordering me around. After all the crap I went through to get this job, my contract changes."

Daesung pops up. "We still have the Hamtaro waiter outfit."

Changmin cries. "WHY ME!"

Daesung looks appalled. "But I washed it. Don't worry, it was really big on me, so I'm sure you'll fit just fine."

Smoke starts filtering out from the kitchen. It smells suspiciously like…tuna… Wait, there seems to be a lot more smoke now… "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Changmin rolls his eyes. "There goes the special of the day. And no, hyung, I didn't do it. THIS time."

TOP and G-Dragon sniff the smoke. G-Dragon bluntly comments, "It definitely smells like Seungri's cooking." TOP, on the other hand, mentions, "That's probably just the rice."

Seungri pops out of the kitchen and out the restaurant door. "FIRE!"

"What about your kitchen?" Jaejoong yells. "A true chef never leaves his home on fire!"

"Screw the kitchen! I don't own it!" Seungri grabs everybody (everybody?) and runs outside, where a Let's Go West bus is conveniently waiting for them. Why the hell is Junsu driving?

As Junsu begins to drive off and as the flames begin to engulf the restaurant, they hear screaming. "But I want my Doraemon chopsticks!" Tae Yang and Yoochun come out dragging Daesung kicking and screaming. The flames burn up around the love-love aura of Yoochun and Tae Yang.

They throw Daesung in the bus. Tae Yang and Yoochun strike a pose on top of the bus as it drives away. Junsu purposely hits the brakes. Yoochun hangs on for dear life, flailing around as Tae Yang tries to save him and Junsu starts the bus again.

More screaming is heard, but this time…from, dear god, fangirls…

Apparently, the Let's Go West bus is not as discrete as anyone thought it would be. Tae Yang and Yoochun crawl inside the bus. TOP, freed from being duct taped by Junsu, overtakes HIS bus. TOP begins swerving all over the road with Junsu hanging on a fishing line in the back.

Changmin starts getting motion sickness. "TOP, YOU SUCK!" TOP laughs maniacally. Changmin goes green in the face. Jaejoong and Yunho stare outside, then at each other, and they both nod. Yunho grabs Changmin's head and sticks it out the window. The vomit ejected seems to keep the fangirls at bay for the moment.

Jaejoong throws out some pictures of a naked Changmin for good measure. Changmin glares weakly. "It's okay, sweetie," Jaejoong soothes. "They're all photoshopped. At least you don't have a thing this big." He sticks out and wiggles his pinky.

For the time being, Big Bang and DBSK leave the bus and find their pink Dairy Queen convertible. Junsu gets thrown into the trunk. TOP calls the wheel, G-Dragon shotgun. Daesung refuses to get into the car. "I'll walk."

"Me, too," says Seungri.

"Me, three," says Yoochun.

Changmin, not realizing how bad for his health it is to have that pair driving, puts on roller skates and yells "Pull me!" to Seungri and Yoochun.

"Like hell I'm dragging your fat ass!" Yoochun retorts.

Daesung, meanwhile, finds his beloved Doraemon chopsticks. "Okay, I'm ready now." Unfortunately, the back seat is already full. "Hey, how come I don't get a seat!"

The other three look at each other. "Rock, paper, scissors?" They all nod. Tae Yang wins. There is no second winner. Yunho has decided to accompany Omma in the trunk. Junsu gets thrown into the back seat along with Daesung.

Meanwhile in the trunk… "Your dick is in my face!"

"…You know you like it that way…"

Seungri and Yoochun grab rope and hog-tie Changmin and attach him to the top of the trunk. Yoochun finds a motorbike and Seungri hops on so that they can tail the pink convertible several miles behind.

Finally, with all seating arrangements settled, they get moving. First stop, the Purple Line Express.

As Changmin hangs on for his dear life this time, especially with G-Dragon distracting TOP like hell, Seungri and Yoochun manage to calculate that five and five make ten. Nobody gets left out! And well…they can always catch Changmin if he falls…

G-Dragon, who is somehow sitting on TOP's lap while the latter is driving, spots two female hitch-hikers. It is BoA and Kim Yuna. "Let's pick them up!" G-Dragon shouts.

Tae Yang nods his head as he leans almost all the way out of the car, making kissy faces at Kim Yuna... He kisses Daesung as the latter tries to pull him back in the car. Tae Yang faints.

G-Dragon goes back to lap dancing, and somehow their positions lock the steering wheel in place. The car starts turning in a giant donut shape. Poor Junsu goes flying out of the car since Tae Yang is out and Daesung is too interested in his recovered chopsticks to attempt to save Junsu.

Junsu somehow lands in Yoochun's lap. The motorbike bounces once.

Back to Changmin, who is again being neglected. He looks behind him. "WTF! WHY THE HELL IS THE CAR FOLLOWING ME NOW!"

Seungri tries to rescue Junsu off of Yoochun's lap for safety reasons. The pink convertible manages to run out of gas, meaning Changmin goes flying off in a straight line towards Seungri's face. Seungri and Changmin fall off the motorbike. Yoochun and Junsu fall off as well. The motorbike speeds off down the road.

G-Dragon has some difficulty dislodging himself from TOP. Seungri can't get up because there are three people on him. Daesung and Tae Yang the least injured and the most alert at the moment, unlock the trunk.

Jaejoong and Yunho come out all hot and sweaty. "Thanks for the penis-shaped bruise on my neck," Jaejoong complains.

"Better than the one on my face," Yunho retorts.

G-Dragon and TOP, in the meantime, manage to get out of the car with different kinds on bruises around their hip and groin area. "Like this won't be hard to explain to YG Entertainment," G-Dragon mutters.

"It's your fault that we ended up like this," TOP retorts.

"I meant the whole getting lost in the middle of nowhere. We got places to go, people to see, and rap battles to win, yo."

Seungri wails, "Get off me. You DBSK people are heavy."

"Are you calling me fat?" Changmin snaps. The other two DBSK members share a pointed look. Changmin IS the one on top…

Daesung walks up (still holding his chopsticks). "Hey, I'm kind of hungry."

"Food!" Changmin immediately jumps off the dogpile. The other three heave a giant sigh in unison. "Where!"

"He's up!" Yoochun yells, sprawling around to get himself up. Junsu follows suit but Seungri, looking too much like a skinny panda, remains laid down like a bear rug.

Tae Yang, with the help of Yoochun, put on their best smiles to try to hitch a ride somewhere out of here. The only ones that actually pull over are cute girls with over-sized gorilla boyfriends in the passenger seats. It is only until Lee Hyori and her Chitty Chitty Bang Bang truck come by that both DBSK and Big Bang manage to escape nowhere. All of them save for Tae Yang are stuffed into the cargo.

Unfortunately, when Hyori notices TOP, members of both DBSK and Big Bang are thrown out into the parking garage by the Purple Line Express. TOP is unusually injured for just being thrown out.

G-Dragon rushes over. "TOP, are you okay! Here, I'll make it all better." He smiles the Epically Blinding Ray of Smiles.

Yunho grins. "If I weren't dating Jaejoong, I wouldn't mind going after G-Dragon. I think I went blind for a moment there." Jaejoong looks troubled.

"We love you, Omma," Junsu pipes in, trying to hug Jaejoong but missing. "I'm thankful that I don't have to eat pet food everyday!"

"So… Now what?"

Everyone seems to have problems making their way around except for Tae Yang. That's what the shades are for. Looking cool in those shades, Tae Yang dances over to the nearest pretty lady he finds. "Hey, there, do you know where Club Last Farewell is? However, that is the last thing I would ever want to say to you."

However, her eyes are on Yunho. "I'll tell you where Last Farewell is." She giggles like a little school girl at Yunho's gay(?) charms. She tries to grab his arm, only to be stopped by Jaejoong.

"Sorry, little princess, this is my prince." Disgruntled, she tries to catch Tae Yang's attention. The latter is being fed Seungri's egg and tuna cooking by Yoochun with Daesung's Doraemon chopsticks, muttering, "She turned me down…"

Junsu sweeps in for the kill. "You can tell me where Last Farewell is, my little princess." Flirting with the pretty lady, Junsu hands her his number. She contemplates it before taking the offer, but she makes a last attempt, successfully sliding a piece of paper with her number into Yunho's pocket.

Perhaps unfortunately, without warning, Changmin runs her down. "Dude, guys, try this! It's so much fun!" He continues roller skating across the level, nearly running Tae Yang over. He manages to knock the Doraemon chopsticks out of Yoochun's hands and run them over, though… That can't be good…

Seungri helps the pretty lady up since everyone else is too busy, but she slaps his face. She stomps up to Jaejoong, screaming in his face, "At least I don't have a gay penis-shaped birthmark on my neck!"

Jaejoong looks ready to cry. "But Yunho has one on his face…"

"Screw you, bitch," G-Dragon starts off.

G-DRAGON:

_We are _

_We are_

_B to the I to the G_

DAESUNG AND SEUNGRI:

_BANG BANG!_

TOP:

_Ladies are Ladies and Bitches are Bitches_

_We don't need you, so why don't you take your heels and leave_

DAESUNG AND SEUNGRI:

_Just leave _

_Just leave_

TOP:

_We got no time for fake smiles, yo_

_Move your mini-skirt and pretty little feet_

_Go walk the Walk of Shame, yo._

Insulted, she leaves as Tae Yang pulls a first aid kit out of his ass to fix the chopsticks and Seungri before anyone notices.

"I'm already a stupid fish caught in your net," Yunho attempts to join in the rap.

"That's my line!"

"Geez, what are you, a woman?"

Jaejoong bursts into tears for real this time. "I thought you loved me!"

G-Dragon stares. "He really isn't that manly after all." The rest of Big Bang nods in agreement.

Changmin runs over G-Dragon. "No one insults my Omma!" he screams, highly affronted. Big Bang isn't thinking about making friends with DBSK right now. Seungri's face is forgotten and Tae Yang throws the chopsticks to the ground in anger. Even Daesung doesn't notice. Yet.

Tae Yang prepares for a rap battle between DBSK and Big Bang. "Oh, yeah, do you know who we are?"

TAE YANG:

_We are_

_We are_

_B to the I to the G_

DAESUNG AND SEUNGRI:

_BANG BANG!_

TAE YANG:

'_Cuz Big Bang is Back!_

_Stronger than ever, y'all._

_Never backing down and always walking forward_

TOP:

_Brothers to the end_

_Shouting strong_

_Fightin' for what's worth fighting for_

_Don't you forget, we are _

G-DRAGON:

_BIG BANG, yo!_

DAESUNG AND SEUNGRI:

_BANG BANG!_

As soon as their rap ends, Tae Yang immediately starts treating Seungri's swollen face. TOP and G-Dragon start picking up the pieces of the Doraemon chopsticks. In all this frenzy, how will DBSK react?

The other members of DBSK look on in horror as Jaejoong continues to cry his eyes out. So…

Yunho yells, "All right, guys, let's get it on! A one, a two, and a one, two—" He looks back. "Wait, what are you guys doing!"

Changmin has his arms lovingly wrapped around his omma. Somehow it also manages to look half-slutty, but that's Changmin for you. Junsu pats Jaejoong's hair prettily while Yoochun rubs Jaejoong's hand.

"How come I'm the only one rapping?"

"You made Omma cry," is the simple answer.

"Crap…"

U-KNOW:

_Yo, check it, now_

_I cry under my skin_

_But tomorrow will certainly come_

_When the rain falls, we are the umbrella_

_When the wind blows, we are the wall_

_No matter how deep the darkness_

_Waiting for rising sun_

_Fighting spirit of the East_

_Come on, let's go, we share the music_

_Come on, let's go, we share the good times_

_I want to tell this to only you_

"Cut!" Changmin screams. "How will that last line help us win!"

Yunho furrows his eyebrows. "I don't know."

G-Dragon, taking pity on DBSK between the fits of laughter, calls out to his beloved. "Oh, my god. TOP, forget the introduction, help U-know Yunho here. Mama's not letting up any time soon."

While G-Dragon continues to pick up the chopstick pieces, Daesung notices and begin crying. "Dorae—Doraemon!" Now G-Dragon gets to take care of him while figuring out how to reassemble a bunch of splinters back into eating utensils.

TOP pulls Yunho aside. "Repeat my words. Don't stray. Say it like you mean it or be a disgrace to the music industry. Remember, my smoky eyes see all."

Yunho, with the help of TOP:

U-KNOW:

_Baby boy, you're so fine,_

_You're the shining star in my eye_

_Yes, I mean you, my Baby Boy, 'cuz I_

_Can't breathe without you,_

_Can't be without you,_

_Can't live without you,_

_My thoughts are nothing but you_

_Love me, hate me,_

_Whatever you do,_

_Just don't ever forget me_

'_Cuz Baby Boy, you're my world_

G-Dragon nudges TOP from the side. "Didn't you try those lines on me once?"

"Did it work?"

Jaejoong stops crying for a moment. "Did you really mean it? I'm your Baby Boy? You're nothing without me?"

As Yunho stumbles around to answer, the rest of DBSK stand behind Jaejoong. They egg Yunho on to respond properly for the sake of Jaejoong's tears.

By the way, Daesung is also with DBSK with his taped-up chopsticks. Grinning like the dork he is, he mouths, "Try smiling." Like hell Yunho knows what this idiot is trying to say. Yunho just shoots Jaejoong a smile. He holds out his arms in true appa fashion.

Jaejoong sniffles loudly as he runs into Yunho's waiting embrace. They look like they won't be letting go for a while. The other three of DBSK yell in triumph and dogpile the couple like the dysfunctional family that they are.

Meanwhile, Big Bang's main rapper is rolling around on the floor whimpering with tears leaking from his eyes. "My eyes, my eyes!"

"What the hell happened?" G-Dragon demands. "My Toppy-Poppy is in pain!"

Seungri reasons, "Well, no one is immune to your Epically Blinding Ray of Smiles, including TOP, so that's why he has the shades. But then Tae Yang stole them, so I guess Yunho's special smile for Jaejoong rivals—" He gets knocked over.

"Don't you dare finish that sentence," G-Dragon roars. "Why the hell was TOP looking at that wimp, anyway? No one else was! And I don't make my boyfriend cry!"

"Boyfriend?" Daesung questions. "I thought he was your brother?"

"Of course, you're all my brothers, but he's been my boyfriend since for-wever. All the rap battles in elementary school weren't for nothing!"

"Oh…kay." Daesung turns to the rest of the Ugly Club, which consists of Yoochun, Seungri, and currently Junsu. He shakes his head. "All lies. They were rapping since they were born. They were brothers from another mother."

Seungri nods in agreement. "With the amount of bonding time they spend together, you would think so."

Tae Yang, packing up the first aid kit, shouts to them, "Yo, we gotta get to Last Farewell soon. Anyone know where it might be?"

"No, but I know someone that might," Junsu responds. He creeps over to Yunho, still embracing Jaejoong. Junsu goes fishing for the pretty lady's phone number and flips out his cell phone.

_Beep...beep...beep... I'm sorry, this number cannot be reached. Please try again._

"No way," Junsu cries out, "I got the wrong number."

Tae Yang crouches down to join the Ugly Club. "Well, any other ideas?"

"I got transportation, at least." Changmin suddenly reappears with a shopping cart and several pairs of roller skates. "Let's follow that pretty man. He must know. Tae Yang, go ask him."

Tae Yang makes to move, but Jaejoong suddenly shoves him out of the way (with Yunho close behind), yelling, "Yesung!"

Yesung turns around, a wide grin cracking onto his face as he recognizes Jaejoong. "Jaejoong, my man, what is shakin'?" He slaps Yunho on the back. "And Yunho, my man, T to the V to the X to the Q!" Tae Yang raises an eyebrow.

Yoochun walks up. "We need to know where Club Last Farewell is being held."

Yesung stares. "Who are you?"

Junsu smacks Yesung. "Micky Yoochun of DBSK, of course." Yoochun looks happy.

"Oh, Yoochun! I've always wanted to meet you! Jaejoong's told me so much!" Yesung hugs Junsu. Yoochun looks sad.

Seungri and Daesung make a motion for Tae Yang to keep going. "Come on, we really need to get to Last Farewell."

G-Dragon pushes Tae Yang towards Yesung. Tae Yang starts cursing his Big Bang brothers. "Hey there, cutie," he starts out with.

"Who? Me?" Yesung turns around, fluttering his eyelashes. "You're pretty cute yourself. How you doin'?"

"I would really like to take you to Last Farewell. It's a great place to dance. Unfortunately, I've lost my way? Help me out and I would hope you let me dance with you for a bit."

"Oh, of course, anything for you, baby?" Yesung makes kissy face. Tae Yang tries to back off, but the other already has him by the arm. He tries to keep his head out of range of the kissy face as they walk out of the parking structure.

"All right! Let's get to stepping!" G-Dragon shouts. Yunho and Jaejoong ungracefully dump TOP into the shopping cart as the other members put on the roller skates. Changmin, who apparently can't count, finds himself two pairs of skates short for everyone.

G-Dragon throws his skates at Seungri's head. "What's the big deal?" Seungri yells.

"Somebody push. I'll be riding on TOP!"

Daesung reluctantly starts pushing the cart with TOP already in it, but as soon as G-Dragon jumps on, the extra weight makes Daesung tip forward and faceplant into the floor.

In the meantime, the newly made up Yunho and Jaejoong happily skate hand in hand with one skate each.

Changmin grabs some more rope and attaches it to the cart. "Okay, everyone, pull!"

"I thought we were pushing!"

Whatever the case, the shopping cart is set in motion with G-Dragon and TOP happily flailing their tangled limbs about. "Wai~!"

Waiting outside of the parking structure is the long-forgotten motorbike for Yesung and Tae Yang. "Hop on, I'll drive, my dear." Yesung lovingly pats the back seat of the bike. Tae Yang hesitates for a moment. It isn't until he sees the messed-up version of the Santa Claus sled with its DBSK and Big Bang reindeer that Tae Yang willingly hops on.

Poor Seungri looks like he's going to collapse any moment.

Now here we have the Santa Claus sled trailing the sputtering motorbike with the Mama-Papa couple trailing behind. The absurdity of the line leaves most of the traffic in such a confounded state that they have very few problems reaching Club Last Farewell. No one knows what the hell is going on.

Except for the traffic stop. A police officer stops Jaejoong and Yunho for not wearing helmets. The reindeer pulling the shopping cart are counted as reindeer, not as actual people.

Yesung speeds off at the green light, leaving Tae Yang paling at the sight of the rest of Big Bang and DBSK being left behind. Great.

"We are here, my sweet honey!" Yesung cries joyfully. "On the cruise, we are!"

"But I don't wanna be your friend!" Tae Yang mutters to himself.

Regardless, Yesung drags Tae Yang inside the club. "Aaagh!" Tae Yang shields his eyes. Oh, wait, he has TOP's shades. Well, they must not have been protection enough. There are so, so many hot girls! Girls? Right?

Yesung drags Tae Yang further inside. "Here, meet Donghae!" To Tae Yang's surprise, Donghae looks like a completely normal guy for knowing someone like Yesung.

"Oh, hey," Donghae comments in a bored manner. "You got caught by Yesung, too? Welcome to the party. He's the host."

"Oh, really? Does he know who the owners are?" Tae Yang responds.

"I don't think so. They've been gone for a while, and Yesung just took over."

"We'll just see about that." Tae Yang regains his confidence. He keeps to his promise and dances a bit with Yesung. Yesung, however, gets friskier than he expects. No one touches Tae Yang's no-no zone. At least, not a male.

Donghae turns out to be one of the DJ's at Last Farewell. In order to save Tae Yang from being molested through his clothes, he puts on a break dance song. And then…

G-DRAGON:

_We are_

_We are_

_B to the I to the G_

DAESUNG AND SEUNGRI:

_BANG BANG!_

The others have finally arrived. TOP has apparently regained his eyesight because he is now on stage with G-Dragon overtaking the DJ position. Joining TOP are the members of DBSK. Jaejoong and Yunho are still hand in hand, but Yoochun is moving with the beat alongside TOP. Who are the backup singers? Daesung, Junsu, Seungri, and Changmin.

Tae Yang uses this glamorous entrance to escape Yesung and join the others.

TAE YANG:

_Yeah, Yeah!_

'_Cuz Big Bang is back!_


	2. Chapter 2

Meet the owners of Club Last Farewell, Big Bang.

Everyone in the club starts what looks like a mass mobbing movement towards the stage, screaming their hearts out all the while. G-Dragon looks alarmed (for TOP, that is), while Yunho and Jaejoong cling on to each other with equally terrified looks on their faces. "Shit, they're coming!"

Thankfully, Tae Yang is not disappointed, as the majority of the clubbers are actually real women.

But their eyes and ears are only for Seungri and Changmin? The two cry out as they are swept off to the middle of the dance floor. "Dance, dance, dance," the crowd chants.

The others stare at each other and shrug. Time to club!

MICKY:

_Now I see this way_

_It looks like purple line_

_Gotta introduce myself_

_Here I go, come back!_

HERO:

_We gotta purple like that_

_My time is still going on_

_Let me set up my world!_

_No one can get in—_

(Jaejoong falls off the stage)

(TOP catches him coolly and Yunho looks annoyed)

U-KNOW:

_The earrings you wear, the clothes you choose_

_It's about the way you are_

_Will you be my girlfriend?_

_Now watch my progression!_

Now the question is, can Seungri and Changmin pull off the moves?

G-Dragon begins laying down the beat for the two. Seungri starts off with…a warm-up? At least it looks cool. Changmin scoffs and starts off with some basic dance steps (left-right-side-to-side-plus the electric slide). Seungri motions the other to back off a little. Now in the center of the circle of screaming girls, he begins to shake his booty like no other.

Strike One. Strike Two. Spin and spin around. Stop. Seungri back flips(?) into a head spin?

The crowd cheers for Seungri.

Beat that, Changmin.

The other chokes on his own saliva. Apparently, warming up is good for the body.

Meanwhile, Tae Yang is getting some of his own action. He leads Junsu and the others on stage in a choreographed(?) dance. The only time girls swarm around him is the time when he has to work his ass off.

Daesung manages to mirror all the moves.

Yoochun continues the song by himself. TOP and Jaejoong quietly leave stage to treat Jaejoong's injured ankles. "How the hell did you sprain both of them at the same time?"

"Let me go!" Jaejoong yells.

"At least I didn't drop you. Would you like me to? You're heavier than you look."

"Hey, hand him over!" Yunho has also left stage, disgruntled.

"Fine!" TOP tosses Jaejoong seven feet in the direction of Yunho.

"Oh, sh—" Jaejoong lands on Yunho's face.

Changmin might not be able to break dance, but he can still pull off some sexy-ass moves. He sashays up to Seungri, daring him to sashay back. To add, he screams his famous "Yeaaaaahh!" It just shows that Changmin is fine at going solo.

But no one is watching anymore. Changmin huffs. He has already lost his chance. "Just because I'm straight!" He sticks out his tongue.

And well, the girls aren't quite swarming around Tae Yang. Junsu's got to die for moves, all his own. But someone takes the chance to grab Tae Yang's ass. He flips around to see Yesung. "NO! JUST NO!"

Daesung tries his hand at taking over the singing. Hmm…

Yoochun starts freak dancing the famous Xiahtic with Junsu. The screaming girls seem to be screaming only for Junsu, but Yoochun doesn't care. He turns to smirk at his one-upping of Tae Yang, but Tae Yang is…not there?

G-Dragon feels the club isn't fun enough. It is in dire need of him. He dives out from behind the DJ's seat.

Donghae takes over the seat and lays down Heartbreaker for G-Dragon. Insert costume change for G-Dragon and his back-up dancers Changmin and Daesung. Blond!G-Dragon takes the stage by force. It takes several seconds for Changmin to figure out what he is wearing. Daesung is cursing himself for not even having a chance to sing a proper song.

As the girls turn heads to see the one and only G-Dragon on stage, Seungri makes his leave to backstage where Jaejoong and Yunho are. Yoochun and Junsu are somehow moved to the platform stage opposite the main stage. They have a mini-following of gay adolescents.

Yunho's head is bandaged from the top of the head to the base of his neck. Jaejoong now has a Yunho's face as a bruise on his abs. "What happened, yo?" Seungri calls out.

"Who knows? Let them be." TOP puts his arm around Seungri. "Let's get back out there, yo." Just before he steps on the floor, TOP finds his shades. "Yes! I got them back!"

"Then where's Tae Yang-hyung? He was wearing them."

"Probably getting raped by Yesung."

"…"

"Oh, right. That's not good. He's the straight one."

"THE straight one? The straight ONE? What about me?"

No one matters anymore save for G-Dragon. Changmin and Daesung are promptly knocked over in the rush to glomp the blond beauty. In the process, the two are shoved up against the wall in a compromising position. "I'm straight!" Changmin starts crying.

Out of nowhere, the stage smokescreen activates and blond!Jaejoong makes his entrance via bridal style. TOP and Seungri are standing in the back coughing their lungs out. "You were supposed to hit the sparks switch!"

"Yunnie, stop, you idiot! You're going to fall off the stage too!"

"Well, dear Omma thinks bandaging my entire head will fix everything! Honestly, it was just a small bruise."

Yunho puts Jaejoong down, and the latter sweeps his giant crying baby into his arms and kisses his cheek since he can't reach the top of his head. The sugary sweetness of it all completely melts everyone's hearts and steals G-Dragon's stage.

Tae Yang suddenly reappears, having what suspiciously looks like neon pink glitter smeared across his chest (Tae Yang knows that shirt isn't worth saving). "Jaejoong, be careful!"

Before he can finish, Yesung latches onto Jaejoong's arm. "WILL YOU HAVE MY BABIES?"

Yesung's movements get Changmin kicked to the side of the stage, along with Daesung. Both end up crushed, side-by-side, against the wall.

TOP and Seungri, from the side, find the switch for the smokescreen and turn it off. They assess the situation on stage and agree that they won't be the ones saving Jaejoong. G-Dragon rejoins the two, now with a cornrow hairstyle. "Yo, I think we've done enough damage tonight. Let's grab a hotel for tonight and get outta here."

"Once we find everyone." Seungri is still coughing out the last of the smoke.

Meanwhile, Daesung and Changmin find themselves in deep conversation about the costumes they have worn for their various promotional videos.

"I'm always the butt end of the jokes. TOP-hyung once left me in Seoul when he was driving. Seungri manages to burn my egg and tuna. I can never find my Doraemon costume when we have to shoot the videos. I always end up wearing the fruitiest-looking clothes. They gave me a pink shirt and vest for 'Gara Gara Go!' and a pink sequined tuxedo jacket for my solo…"

"Oh, yeah? When we have our official photoshoots, I always get stuck between Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung. They're always making kissy faces at each other between shots. I feel like I'm getting molested all the time with the looks that they try to give each other. In 'Balloons' I was a frickin' deer! I wouldn't have been a Doraemon! There's no way you can make a six foot deer cute!"

"Oi, your chest is super soft."

"That's my diaphragm you're leaning against."

"Oh."

Changmin spots G-Dragon on the platform stage with Yoochun and Junsu, both still dancing without a care. Daesung turns his head to see, only to get a faceful of hair. All the girls are slowly swooning over Jaejoong and Yunho on the main stage.

Seungri pops out beside G-Dragon, still trying to get Daesung's attention. The latter sees exaggerated motions to look to the left of them. Looks like Changmin and Daesung ended up right next to the power circuits.

TOP quickly grabs the microphone from the main stage. "Yo, Changmin, hit the green switch. It's Operation Blackout."

With that, the lights go out in a flash.

"Don't worry, Chunnie, I've got the echo location of a dolphin!"

"Really? Because that was my nipple." Seungri slaps him.

"Watch where you stick your foot!"

"Appa, where are the children!" No response?

"Right here." Jaejoong's hand brushes something hard.

"Appa! Somebody's touching Omma!" Several thumps are heard, followed by a moan(?) from Jaejoong.

"You! Get your dirty hands off our Jaejoongie!" An ominous whack resounds.

"I think you just knocked out G-Dragon."

"He's lighter than dear Jaejoongie, but I'm still going to get somebody for that one." TOP's voice holds heavy sarcasm.

"I can't find my Doraemon chopsticks!"

"Just start running!"

Out of the club, they go via the back door. Yep. Five DBSK members and four Big Bang members. Tae Yang drags himself through the front entrance rather than the back since Yesung is clinging to his pants. "Donghae, a little help here! I'll make you the cool-looking bartender of Last Farewell if you get him off of me!"

"Does that mean I get a raise?" Donghae sticks his head out.

"Yeah, whatever, let me go!"

Donghae steps out in his slut-suit and waves his booty around for Yesung to stare at. Yesung slowly loosens his grip on Tae Yang and the latter starts running towards the back.

Jaejoong is feeling a little violated, crying into Yunho's shoulders. TOP, on the other hand, has G-Dragon's body draped over his shoulders. "Okay, so how are we getting to the hotel?"

"Who knows?" Seungri and Daesung are shaking off the excess glitter on them. "We are so giving the janitors a raise for dealing with this crap."

Junsu appears with a glitter-covered black-eye. "You're telling me. I see pretty stars."

"That's just Daesung's shirt," Yoochun responds. "We couldn't find Daesung and Changmin's original clothes, so we just grabbed whatever."

Changmin shows up with his green sparkly pants. "Why do we have these clothes in the first place?"

"It was for my solo trot with Lee Hyori. She requested it personally." Daesung beams brightly.

Tae Yang appears with a unicycle. "All right, we got a wheel. I've always wanted to try one of these." He sits on the wheel and starts pedaling. Success! For about two seconds. The unicycle hits a pebble and Tae Yang goes flying into a puddle.

One by one, everyone else decides to give it a shot. Yoochun falls on top of Tae Yang, while Junsu blindly trips over those two and flies headfirst into a dumpster. Seungri can't even balance enough to get a single pedal in.

Changmin is still fuming over his new clothes. "Why the hell am I getting all these costume changes? And I want a shirt!"

"At least you're not in your boxers," Appa reminds him, glancing pointedly at Daesung.

"Does it look like he cares!" Indeed, Daesung has found his chopsticks and takes no notice of his state of dress.

TOP is apparently the only one who can ride the unicycle (and while carrying G-Dragon!), but because his view is partially obstructed, he manages to fall into a manhole, G-Dragon and all. Maybe the sewer route won't sound so bad?

"Ah! My ankles!" Jaejoong collapses under the pressure of his own weight, falling against Yunho's back.

"What? Now you want to ride piggyback all the way to the hotel?"

"Well, it's your fault that you didn't catch me. TOP was being so rough with me." Jaejoong pouts.

Only Seungri at this point ponders whether the rest should follow their leader. After all, it's probably the best route to the hotel in terms of avoiding people. Without many to witness, Seungri shoves Daesung down the manhole. He looks down to find the smiling angel in his usual state. Taking that as a green light, Seungri pushes Changmin in and follows suit.

"Ah! Why the hell are you using me as a cushion?"

"Because you're bigger, that's why." Too bad there isn't enough light to show which way Daesung and the others went.

Junsu, meanwhile in the dumpster, finds himself in the midst of worn-out Yoochun plushies, Doraemon accessories, and rotting produce. Yay for the soft landing, not so much for the smell. He wouldn't mind it so much if he had not been too short to get himself out.

Changmin starts ranting to himself about how the world is never fair to him (which it technically isn't, poor Changmin). But he's still the rational one, so he pulls Seungri along. Either way, another manhole will lead away from the fangirls.

Yoochun and Tae Yang scramble out of the puddle. With the way they landed, the puddle has stained the seat of Tae Yang's pants and the front of Yoochun's. Oh, well. Shit happens.

Junsu finds several Doraemon-themed packs of gum. He's going to get cavities for this, but it'll do it. He sticks the Yoochun plushies to the wall as footholds with the gum, and he starts scaling the wall, but not before taking a couple of extra plushies. One for Omma, of course.

In front of a love hotel, complete with an erotically blushing mascot, TOP's head slowly pops out. "Fuck."

Daesung pops his head out as well. "I think we're here!" He climbs out enthusiastically, only to be greeted by a bunch of animals. "Hey, they like me!" He picks up a stray feline. "Your name will be Doraemon."

Yunho frowns. "I never liked that guy anyway. I'm sorry I let him manhandle you, love. He hurt you, didn't he?"

So TOP, being the gentleman rapper that he is, drops G-Dragon back down the manhole and follows suit. "I am so going to regret doing this." G-Dragon's animal instincts kick in, allowing him to land in a cool leader pose. Still asleep, G-Dragon side-steps TOP's drop but manages to fall in the latter's arms.

"I hate my other head right now," TOP mutters under his breath as he slings G-Dragon's body over his shoulders and continues his way down the sewers.

Junsu makes it out of the dumpster, only to trip and make a faceplant into the puddle. Tae Yang and Yoochun help him up. At least, they look like Tae Yang and Yoochun. Junsu now has a muddy black-eye. "I'm tired. Where's Omma?" he cries.

"Arguing with Appa," Yoochun points. "I say we push them down the sewer and get to the hotel as soon as possible. I want a bath." At that same moment, Jaejoong has been putting up such a fuss with Yunho about riding piggy-back that the latter loses his balance. The only thing that prevents the both of them from falling all the way down the manhole is the fact that Jaejoong's crotch is wrapped around Yunho.

The other three know that it's mean, but it's dire for them to get some sleep tonight. They exchange looks. Tae Yang steps up and kicks Yunho's shoulders down. The Mama-Papa couple fall through and actually make a splash. But Tae Yang doesn't care too much; they aren't his brothers.

"Omma!" Junsu cries and immediately jumps in after Jaejoong.

"My sweet honey! There you are!" Yesung is about to run to Tae Yang when he takes in his damp pants, then Yoochun's. He gasps and faints. Tae Yang and Yoochun look at each other and shrug. Whatever works.

Meanwhile, Seungri is currently rolling Changmin's unconscious body forward by using his legs to nudge it. The stupid, tall hyung had run head on into an overhanging metal pipe. Changmin's too heavy, anyway.

Daesung, on the other hand, seems to have luck in communicating with Doraemon. "Uh-huh, uh-huh." He nods his head. "Okay, un-cute, makeup-wearing rappers and lady-man with sucky rapper are that way." He starts running in the direction indicated, Doraemon hopping on his shoulders. "Doraemon-man to the rescue!"

Yunho's eyebrow twitches as an extremely dirty Junsu carries Jaejoong, both of them perfectly content.

TOP eventually reaches an end to the tunnel. It's…the tunnel leading to the outskirts of the city? "Why can't I have a beautiful life like DBSK?"

"But you have our sunset glow," G-Dragon laughs happily. "We should have gone to the love hotel. Yum."

"You were awake! Forget you!" TOP dumps G-Dragon into the murky water.

"My Toppy-Poppy! No! Don't leave me!" G-Dragon runs out after him, not realizing that the pipe ends about five feet above a river bed. "Gah!"

He falls on top of TOP. "Hey, Toppy-Poppy," G-Dragon says as he straddles the fallen TOP. "We could have our own love hotel right here."

Meanwhile, Tae Yang and Yoochun play rock-paper-scissors to see who goes down the manhole first. They have consecutively tied for the past thirty rounds. "Screw this, let's just take the unicycle to the hotel!" Tae Yang yells out in frustration.

"With these wet clothes?" Yoochun seems more upset about the clothes than the fact that there is one unicycle.

"Would you rather wear HIS clothes?" Tae Yang points to Yesung. Yoochun only takes a second to contemplate the thought before stripping Yesung of his pants.

"Do you want his boxers?" Yoochun looks more than happy to strip them off Yesung for Tae Yang to wear.

"No, just no."

Seungri, at one point, kicks Changmin into the sewer water by accident. The latter is still asleep. He rolls over and snot(?) bubbles come out. "Ew." Seungri makes a face. He would leave the stupid hyung there, but some of those sewer rats look really huge.

Seungri jumps in fright at a shrill squeak. "Where did that come from?" Something large and hairy runs over his foot. "Hyung, hyung, wake up!" He starts shaking Changmin like it's the end of the world.

Something even larger and hairier bowls him over. "Doraemon-man to the rescue!"

Junsu and Jaejoong giggle as they splash each other with water, Junsu using his hands and Jaejoong sitting on the edge and kicking his legs about.

Yunho, on the other hand, has decided to take matters into his own hands and starts wandering farther and farther away in an attempt to actually find a way out. He reaches one of those mini sewer gates and peeks out of it.

His eyes widen as he takes in the sight of G-Dragon and TOP. He debates whether he should ask for help.

Yoochun stares back as he walks backwards in front of his companion. "You sure you can make it?" The other man is currently pitifully cycling along with the help of the wall alongside.

"Don't worry, I'll make it!" Tae Yang falls towards Yoochun's chest.

"Yeah, right." Yoochun pushes Tae Yang back. "Apparently, balance isn't one of your strong suits. You better say a prayer if you want to make it to the hotel."

After a bit of arguing, Yoochun agrees to pedal one pedal and Tae Yang the other. Granted they look like an acrobatic troupe, they are well-balanced. Tae Yang's forward falling balances Yoochun's backwards tipping. To the hotel they go.

Yunho turns to his fellow DBSK members. "You know that's dirty water, right? Like, other people's waste products, right?"

Junsu spits out the water and slowly wades himself out of the water. Jaejoong tries to change the subject. "Hey, did you find a way out?" He points to the moonlight seeping in.

"Yeah," Yunho responds as he motions the other to ride piggyback, "but I think it would be better to take a different route. That one is a little risky."

Junsu protests after realizing how dirty the sewage water actually is. "How risky can it possibly be? As long as we get out, it won't matter." He proceeds to unlock the gate and walks right out.

"GAAHH~!"

"YOUUUU!"

Over in the other tunnel, Seungri is spitting out the sewage water. "What the hell was that noise! Changmin, you overgrown bastard, wake up! Let's get out of here!" Terrified, Seungri tries to drag the other's body out of the water. "Come on, if you wake up, I'll make you a nice egg custard pie. I can make it really nice and sweet."

"DORAEMON-MAN to the rescue!"

People have started throwing coins at Yoochun and Tae Yang along the street and applauding. A kid throws a particularly large coin (giant pebble?) in the middle of their path…

"Food?" Changmin wakes up at once. "Food!" The first thing he sees is a giant Doraemon pelting down the sewer towards him. His eyes roll back in his head once again and he traps Seungri under his weight.

"No, idiot hyung! Now we're both going to die!" Seungri wails.

"Doraemon-man to the rescue!—hey, what are you guys doing here?"

G-Dragon chucks the first thing he can grab at Junsu's head, which would be TOP's cell phone. Junsu stares innocently and ducks just in time for the cell phone to smack Yunho in the forehead. Yunho's eyes start to water from shock.

Jaejoong throws G-Dragon a dirty look that is returned in equal fervor. "MY Toppy-Poppy," he mouths.

"I didn't do anything," Jaejoong hisses back.

"Oh, so now you got your own little ride, Miss Little Prissy?" TOP sneers. G-Dragon smirks in triumph.

"Am not!" Jaejoong cries indignantly. He jumps off Yunho's back, only to gasp and tip towards TOP once more.

"Not this time, Miss Prissy!" G-Dragon slugs Jaejoong off the side, face-first into the muddy riverbed.

"Omma!" Junsu dives after Jaejoong, slipping into the actual river. "Omma! Save me!" Junsu is swept downstream towards the Diamond Bay Hotel.

Strengthened by the power of Doraemon, Daesung and his feline friends pull Seungri out of the water. "Thanks so much." Daesung pets his feline friends. "Can you help me take Seungri out of here? I can take Changmin myself. Now where's the fastest route to the Diamond Bay Hotel?"

The cats help strap Changmin on Daesung's back. The latter goes down on all fours and starts running down the tunnel of light.

As for Seungri, there is this one extremely large, blue, robotic-looking cat…

Tae Yang and Yoochun scream for dear life as they hit that large pebble. They fly through the doors and into the lobby of the Diamond Bay Hotel. Tae Yang lands on the counter with the pretty female concierge. A bellboy catches Yoochun.

"Junsu!" Jaejoong begins to have a panic attack since his injury prevents him from getting up to save him. Yunho is already on it, though. He performs a spectacular dive into the river, and although he and Junsu have already disappeared from sight, Jaejoong knows he can rely on Yunho.

Meanwhile, TOP is having a fit over G-Dragon throwing his cell phone. "Do you know how many shades I could have bought with the amount of money that cell cost!"

G-Dragon pouts. "But you're always looking at it more than me!"

"Because I have pictures of you on it!" TOP covers his own mouth in horror. Jaejoong looks on (with a muddy makeover for a face) jealously(?) as G-Dragon glomps TOP in delight and snuggles his neck.

"Hey, there, sexy thing," Tae Yang tempts the lady with his waggling eyebrows as Yoochun thanks the bellboy. Luckily, the lady doesn't notice Tae Yang's pants since he's actually facing her. She seems to be taking Tae Yang's initiative.

Yoochun walks over, and he laughs as he notices from the reflection of the computer screen off the lady's glasses that she is secretly a DBSK fan. But hey, let Tae Yang try.

A strange procession appears along the street leading to the Diamond Bay Hotel. The leader is a strangely-dressed, grinning cosplayer with a giant sleeping baby on his back. Following him are a bunch of cats, then a man being dragged along the ground by a bunch of dogs and birds.

"Tae-Tae!" Daesung yells as he sees Tae Yang through the glass doors of the Diamond Bay Hotel. The cats behind him are smart enough to stop, but Daesung slams himself against the doors. "Tae-Tae…it's me, Daesung…let me in…"

Seungri's body is left for the bellboys to bus into the hotel.

"I want a bath, now." Jaejoong tries to break up the moment as best he can. "And you two need a room. Don't you guys want a nice soft bed to play on?"

G-Dragon and TOP, however, are getting too frisky to notice. Jaejoong falls back and flails around in the mud like the frustrated omma that he is. His hand hits a smooth, shiny, LCD-screen rock? He found TOP's cell phone! Time to call a taxi to the Diamond Bay Hotel…and possibly someone to separate the octopus pair.

Tae Yang shoots the concierge a smile and asks for three of the largest rooms they have, preferably with several bathrooms. "Also, can I ask if you're free to have brunch with me tomorrow at noon? Let me treat you for your kind hospitality."

On seeing Yoochun, however, the reserved concierge goes into fangirl mode. "OMG! YES! I would love to go with the both of you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much!"

It isn't quite what Tae Yang had in mind, but he takes it as is. With that, Yoochun and Tae Yang take the elevator to the penthouse suites.

Junsu is washed ashore the riverbed near the back entrance of the VIP Fanclub Headquarters. Yunho finds himself at the back entrance of the Cassiopeia Fanclub Headquarters.

"Oh, sh—"

Changmin groans as his head is slammed against the doors as well. "Omma, I'll be good. Please don't make me eat that egg and tuna. I want YOUR egg and tuna!"

The concierge then notices Changmin, thinking he is referring to her. "Oh, poor baby! There, there." She pulls him off of Daesung and, with superhuman strength, hauls Changmin off to…who knows where…

The doorbell rings. Tae Yang answers it, only to find Seungri's body dumped at his feet.

Junsu gets kicked out of the VIP Fanclub almost at once. The fans tell him to come back when he smells better. He bursts into tears as members of the club who are secret DBSK fans steal one of his Yoochun plushies. He scuffs the grass sadly. It's okay. Jaejoong can have his other one.

Yunho, on the other hand, barely manages to avoid getting ambushed when he walks in. He wants to leave, but it's impossible. Jaejoong will kill him if he loses their dear dolphin, but if he loses their precious baby Changmin (how did he get here?), he won't ever be allowed to top again. Yunho shudders.

Changmin looks scared as a bunch of old ladies leer at him, although he's not sure whether the crazy fangirl claiming to be the concierge of the hotel next door is any better.

"Yoochun! Help me drag Seungri into the bathtub. He smells like sewage water." Tae Yang pulls Seungri up over his shoulder. As Yoochun tries to help, Seungri stands up on his own, greets his hyungs, and walks in the general direction of the bathroom.

"…Tae Yang, wanna order room service? I'm starving."

"Anything but egg and tuna."

At the sound of the taxi, G-Dragon and TOP immediately separate and race to the vehicle. Jaejoong is left in the dark in the mud. "Hey, guys, what about me…I'm the one who called the taxi…guys…don't leave me…the others can't leave without me…wait for me…" Jaejoong flops back into the mud.

Junsu, outside of the VIP Fanclub, sees his salvation. The Diamond Bay Hotel is just across the street. He races up to find a large blue cat—oh, wait, that's just Daesung—clawing at the doors of the hotel. Apparently the hotel doesn't allow pets.

For now, let them hope that they only remember the good memories. Junsu, taking a deep breath, begins roughly stripping Daesung out of the Doraemon suit. Granted Daesung is pants-less, but at least he still has his pink shirt on. With that, the male concierge happily welcomes them in.

"Bye-bye, my friends!" Daesung waves his last farewell to his feline companions.

Yunho is speechless; he can't watch their baby being molested. Then again, he isn't doing much better. Changmin is still fully dressed.

TOP runs to the driver's side, kicks him out, and drives off with G-Dragon. The taxi driver stares helplessly. Jaejoong gives him a look. "As long as I get paid," the driver grumbles as he squats down. Jaejoong slowly falls asleep along the way.

The two arrive at the hotel, but there are no more rooms left (Daesung and Tae Yang are sharing after Junsu finds Yoochun, while Seungri has decided to hog the last room all to himself, apparently). They shrug and drive around the back. They can't be bothered until morning, anyway. Even if they are horribly filthy.

Junsu pulls Yoochun down onto the fluffy bed. "I missed you so much, Chunnie!"

"You stink, but thank goodness you're safe." Yoochun thumbs Junsu's black eye tenderly. Junsu grins.

Tae Yang is passed out for the night, and Daesung is left to pout over the fact that there's no one to show his new Doraemon chopsticks to (they were lying on the bedside table).

Yunho and Changmin are now at least near each other, thankfully. "Come on, Changmin. I know you can get us out of this. You don't have all that porn stashed under your bed for nothing!"

"I don't know how you found out, but just don't tell Jaejoong-hyung!" Changmin shrieks back.

"Hey, it's perfectly normal for—"

"You do it, then!"

"But…I'll get in trouble with Jaejoong…" Changmin stares pointedly. Yunho sighs in defeat.

"Hey, Chunnie, since the others aren't here, do you know what I'm thinking?"

"Only if Omma doesn't find out, Su." Both give each other a mischievous look.

Seungri rolls over in his bed. He loves his bed. He really loves his bed. Just as he is about to drift off to sleep, he finds Daesung by his bedside. The latter pouts, holding chopsticks between his teeth. Seungri sighs; it takes him a couple minutes to get out of bed and to the door. The youngest grabs a chopstick and throws it in the hallway. "Fetch!"

He slams and locks the door shut.

Jaejoong arrives at the hotel, greeted by the male concierge with a wheelchair. Jaejoong tips the taxi driver a hefty sum, courtesy of TOP and the other members of Big Bang. It just goes to show that one should never leave their credit card numbers programmed into their cell phone.

Now, Junsu and Yoochun are in the midst of a pillow fight as Jaejoong and the concierge ascend on the elevator. Junsu has fallen off the bed and tries to grab hold of Yoochun; Junsu now has two black-eyes, laying half on the bed and half on the floor. Yoochun somehow lands in the middle of the living room. As Jaejoong enters their room, he can only say, "How many times have I told you not to play rough on the bed?"

Omma is not happy.

"Jaejoong, please forgive me." Yunho thanks the stars that his other half is not there and proceeds to strip off his shirt. Cameras appear in a flash, snapping as fast as they possibly can. "Okay, the first one to get us to the Diamond Bay Hotel safely gets my shirt. The first one that can get us to our penthouse suite unnoticed gets my pants and a picture of an almost-naked me."

Yunho then shoots his smile. He has forgotten that his smile has THAT effect. In the midst of the blinded fangirls trying to "feel" their way around…

"Hyung, should we make a break for it?"

"No, not there!"

"Hey, that is mine!"

"Let's get out of here!"

"Wait, that's a sensitive area!"

Then, somewhere in a green taxi behind the Diamond Bay Hotel, a lovely gay couple are looking for some kind of contraceptives and lubricant.

Junsu grins sheepishly as he offers his Yoochun plushie (Yoochun's eyes go wide at seeing it—he has a fanclub?) to Jaejoong. "Here, for you."

Jaejoong just nods tiredly. "Where's Yunho?" The two shrug in unison, and Jaejoong's eyes widen. "What? He didn't save you? Where is he? Yunho! YUNHO!" Seeing Jaejoong in such distress is disheartening, but Yunho is the only one who can always be counted on.

"Let's get you cleaned up."

Daesung, meanwhile, has found a new friend, a real friend this time. Ryeowook is just as much of a Doraemon fan as he is! They even have matching chopsticks!

Ryeowook is also a fan of both Big Bang and DBSK, and he really admires G-Dragon and Jaejoong. Daesung promises to get him a picture of them, if not with them. They happily skip off together.

Unfortunately, for the lovely couple behind the hotel, a giant roar erupts from the building next door. They cling to each other in fright. They know that sound, the one of both delighted and angry fangirls. TOP pushes himself up to window level, only to see an almost-naked Yunho run by with bandages trailing behind him. "I did not need to see that…"

G-Dragon pops his head up beside him. "Hey, eyes on me." Changmin races right for them, and their mouths open. Changmin takes a flying leap and successfully jumps on top of and over the taxi.

The two both scream as they look back and see a horde of fangirls chasing the other two. They duck for safety as the girls consume the parking lot, managing to completely overturn the taxi.

Now TOP's on the bottom. "Again?" he whines.

In the meantime, Seungri is watching this live on TV in his room… "I laugh."

From one of the penthouse suites on the top floor, a man being forced to bathe in a wheelchair by an injured Junsu wails, "YUNHO, WHERE ARE YOU!" The concierge drags Yoochun into one of the other rooms so Junsu can have some quality time with his omma.

"Omma, let me help you. Appa will be back soon. He just got lost," Junsu starts babbling as he suds up the loofa. "I'm sorry for being bad. I didn't mean to play rough. I didn't want to…" Junsu starts crying, and Jaejoong is left with his wheelchair to soak in hot water.

Daesung and Ryeowook get caught by the manager, the latter reprimanding them for skipping around in the hotel. "This is a hotel, not a playground." As the manager lets them off, the two snicker behind his back.

"You are sooo bad, Sungie!"

"Not as bad as you, Wookie! You're the one running around with the chopsticks!"

"So are you!"

"But mine are in my pocket. Yours can poke out someone's eye!"

"You're sooo right! Hey, Sungie, how many pairs of chopsticks do you have?" And thus begins the insanely long conversation about Doraemon chopsticks.

Tae Yang and Yoochun, in the meantime, are chowing down on ramen and cheeseburgers on the bed. "So," Tae Yang muffles between bites, "do you think the date with the concierge will go well for either of us tomorrow?"

Yoochun pauses, stirring the broth with his Hamtaro chopsticks. He makes eye contact with the other for a moment. "No." The DBSK member quickly diverts his attention to the window. "Hey, are fans supposed to find us up here?"

"…No." Tae Yang takes another look at the room service menu. "Do you just want to order everything on the list? I'm feeling kinda depressed now."

Yoochun leans back against Tae Yang. "Might as well. I'm feeling a little depressed as well." Both sigh in unison, sipping broth.

"OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE DOOR!" Yunho yells out as he makes a final sprint towards the lobby of the Diamond Bay Hotel.

"!" Changmin follows closely behind.

The doormen quickly barricade the lobby doors as soon as Changmin steps over the threshold. His sparkly green pants are now a sparkly green belt. Outside is the horde, faces flat up against the glass. "YUNHO! CHANGMIN! WE LOVE YOU!"

The glass is cracking.

"I got my very first pair of Doraemon chopsticks on my sixth birthday!" It turns out that the pair that Daesung found is actually Ryeowook's, but Ryeowook is more than happy to accept Daesung's pair in return.

"Well, I wish I had Doraemon shorts like you!"

"Oh, these?" Daesung looks down. "They're my favorite pair of boxers. I'll trade you for your Doraemon watch!"

Tae Yang chomps sadly on his hamburger. "You know, Yoochun, you're a pretty nice guy. I hope you find your mate."

Yoochun sniffles, choking and nearly snorting ramen out his nose. "And here's to you finding a date." He sighs. He takes another look out the window and coughs violently, snorting ramen out his nose for real this time. "I thought you said fans aren't supposed to find us here!"

At the same moment, Seungri rushes into the room, panting. "This isn't good, guys. The doors are giving way!"

Tae Yang glances down at the ground. Are some of those girls holding pickaxes? He winces.

Changmin gulps. Not even Appa can take on all these girls by himself. He looks determined, though. Appa needs sleep.

Yunho flings open the doors and roars in his mighty U-KNOW voice, "LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE!"

Upstairs, Jaejoong hears a voice he knows only too well. "YUNHO!" Nothing can stop him now. He tips his wheelchair over and uses his arms to pull himself over to the balcony.

Junsu rushes back into the room. "Jaejoong! What are you doing? That's dangerous!"

Jaejoong doesn't hear him. He pushes himself up and leans over. "Yunnie, up here! Up here!" With a cry, his strength gives out and he falls over the railing. Junsu screams in fear.

TOP and G-Dragon have pushed their way to the front of the crowd, the parking lot having emptied quite quickly following Changmin's exit. They hear Jaejoong's cry from the thirteenth floor. G-Dragon doesn't bother to look up, but TOP just does. Jaejoong is very lucky.

TOP's shout alerts G-Dragon, but not in time for either of them to move. Jaejoong slams into TOP hard, half-bouncing off of him and falling on top of G-Dragon instead.

From the room, Junsu recovers remarkably enough sense to throw a full-size blanket over the railing.

Yunho runs up, his eyes tearing, but Jaejoong is visibly shaking so badly under the blanket that G-Dragon can only hold him.

Cameras flash.

Tae Yang and Yoochun rush in the hallway to make their way down the stairs to the lobby to aid the members. Seungri closely follows behind. He stops, however, when he spots a Doraemon convention on the second floor. "We could use this…"

The male concierge wraps a towel around Changmin's bottom half and proceeds to pull out a rack of fashionable capris. "I'm sorry, sir. We currently don't have anything for your size. We will have a shipment ready for you in the morning."

Changmin debates between the green sparkly capris and the hot pink short shorts as his most viable options at the moment. The other choices—are a bit more extreme for his tastes.

Tae Yang and Yoochun meet face-to-face with the female concierge on the first flight of stairs. "I'm sorry, sir, but you must return to your rooms. We are experiencing some difficulties in the lobby. Please stay in your room until morning."

"You're behind this! I knew it! If you had any loyalty to your hotel, you wouldn't let this happen!" Tae Yang yells at the top of his lungs. He tries to pass her. Several of the larger fangirls are with her.

"Let us through!" Yoochun demands when one of the girls makes a grab at Tae Yang.

"No." The female concierge simply smiles.

Tae Yang and Yoochun turn away from the mini-mob. "Let's go with Plan B."

"Sounds good."

Junsu, still on the thirteenth floor, pales in horror as the fangirls begin to close in on Jaejoong and the others.

G-Dragon and TOP try the best they can to wrap the entirety of Jaejoong's body and head. As much as they dislike each other, idols still have to look after each other. Yunho is still tearing up.

Then, by the sound of the dolphin, a shining light appears from the top of the hotel. Look, up in the sky! It's a bird, a plane…it's DORAEMON-MAN and his sidekicks Wookie and Gri-Gri to the rescue. Plus three thousand of his humanoid friends.

Yoochun walks up to the mob. "How could I ever forget all these special memories of you? My little princesses." He winks at them. All the fangirls swoon, but the concierge remains standing. "Your turn, buddy."

"I don't hurt girls."

"Who says you have to hurt her?"

"Well, does it look like our romantic charms are going to work on her!" The concierge suddenly screams as she goes tumbling down the stairs. Junsu pays no attention as he tumbles down with her. "That works."

Jaejoong tries to say something but is still too incoherent, and he ends up mouthing wordlessly into G-Dragon's shoulder. Yunho isn't doing much better. G-Dragon and TOP look at each other helplessly. There's just too fucking many of them.

No need to fear, Doraemon-man is here! All the fangirls are already being overtaken by his humanoid friends. Wookie and Gri-Gri are busy in the background making sure the actual orders are going through and working the flashing lights.

"In the name of the Doraemon, I shall punish you!"

"Hyung… They're already gone."

"And Doraemon-man saves the day!"

Changmin runs out of the hotel, completely forgetting about his pants-less-ness once he sees the absence of fangirls. He hugs Yunho.

Wookie and Gri-Gri shake hands for a job well done. Doraemon-man, with the aid of his handy-dandy jetpack, flies down with vigor. He sweeps the area around the hotel to make sure the last of the fangirls are gone. Doraemon-man thanks his fellow humanoid friends. Wookie and Gri-Gri follow suit, going down to the ground floor via the elevator.

Junsu pins down the female concierge with his own body weight and DBSK charms. She faints due to the proximity. "Marry me…"

Yoochun picks up Junsu and joins the other members outside. "Hey, Changmin, why are you wearing short shorts?"

Tae Yang comes out with the male concierge to meet the rest. "Okay, dude, do your magic. I promise to treat you to brunch for all the crap that you have done for us." With that, the male concierge pulls out a curtain and passes it once over Jaejoong's body.

One, two, three, and Jaejoong is fully clothed, bathed, and standing on his own. Yay, concierge. With all the members of DBSK together, they opt for a family hug and quick photo. Courtesy of the concierge.

But what of Big Bang? As Doraemon-man and his sidekicks finish their duties, Daesung, Seungri, and Ryeowook reappear. It is time for their family hug and quick photo plus one. Also courtesy of the concierge.

Bedtime!


End file.
